hearts mend, with time and chocolate

Today is the day that I will remember as the day that my best friend broke my heart. First love, first heartbreak, all of it. There are so many thoughts that get put into that, so many emotions. Lots of tears. Crying during the breaking up process, crying when you tell your best girlfriend about it (and she took time off chem studying to console me! <3), and crying to an intern/counselor/friend whose 5 years of additional wisdom means the world. It took about one and a half hours and 5 milk chocolate pieces, but by the end of it, all that was left was a makeup-free face and a handful of tear-and-mascara-soaked tissues.

Does it suck? Hell yeah.

Am I bummed? Duh.

Will I get through it? I have to. I need to grow, to learn. I need to learn that there are parts of my that no one can take, that I am me and no matter what someone else does to me, this part will stay true, and stay whole.

Maybe I’ll be more weary to trust new people. Maybe guys will stay in the friend zone a little longer. Maybe…I’ll take some time to realize that I deserve someone better, that I am worth someone else’s love and attention in a way that does not involve me compromising or hiding myself.

I need to realize that I am beautiful, and I am young. I have too much potential to let this bring me down for very long.

I deserve to be happy. I will take this summer to find myself, and find out what makes me me.

The wounds are still raw. They will heal with time, and in time I will love myself again.

it’s baaackk

I haven’t had a seriously depressive episode in over a week. But I got one today, and it was horrible. Usually, my mood shifts quickly, and drops off. I become quiet, irritable, easily agitated, and if anyone talks to me my answers are sarcastic, filled with a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness. It strikes me as odd even now that I am able to say this calmly, looking back at what has happened.

This morning, my mood slid gradually from sleepy to sad. And out of it came a 5-page letter to my exfriend. You know, the boy who broke my heart? Yeah, him. Mostly it wasn’t about him though. It was about me, about my overwhelming desire to be happy and my inability to fulfill my own wishes. My lack of inner strength and need for external support, and lack of it now that he’s gone. The feeling that there is truly nothing left in this world for me to enjoy, for me to live for, because I lacked the energy to do anything at all. The desire to retreat into my head combined with the desire for apathy. All of these feelings. It spiraled into a rambling conversation with myself regarding my dependence on shadows and figments of my imagination that didn’t exist and my own descent into what was lovingly dubbed insanity. And this morning, that is truly how I felt. Different. Sad. Crazy. Mostly though, I felt lonely. People can tell me that it will get better, but I’m lacking the inner strength that is so crucial to being okay again.

After that, I went to go study for my Psych final tomorrow, and ended up listening to songs that made me cry for half an hour straight at excessively high volumes. These songs included “She Will Be Loved”, “You and Me”, and “Over My Head”. I’m still sad, and a little woozy from the crying, but I am no longer in the depressive state. Unfortunately, I know it’ll be back, and will once again take over my mind and me, and rule my thoughts for an hour, for half an hour; any time is too long.

If I could say anything to him besides that long tirade of a letter, it would be playing the song “Prove You Wrong” by He is We. I wish I could prove him wrong and remove his doubts that I can be a good friend. At the same time, I hate myself for needing him, and I do not believe that I have the capacity to become better.

night is when the demons come out to play

Well, not everybody’s demons, I suppose, but mine certainly do. They keep me from sleeping, leaving me wide-eyed at 2 in the morning, wishing for nothing more than one calm night’s respite. They make me think bad things, and feel unkind feelings.

This is what I heard:

This world has nothing for you,

So why do you go on in it,

Walking like an empty shell

Where dregs of past emotion appear

To keep you looking human.

It’s not worth it to keep going,

There’s no reason to move along

Horror exacerbated with poison

Poisonous guilt seeps into dreams

Lucid dreaming turns to chaotic noise

There is an obsession, and it is this:

A voice that says it is not worth it,

A voice that screams there’s

Nothing to live for,

Anymore.

The sense of hopelessness that finds you

When you’re where you think you’re safest

And all you want is to be shaken hard

To jolt you from this conscious dreamscape

To escape, to be free

Is all you think every second of every day.

Sweet, sweet sleep

I ponder a lot. My pondering starts when I wake up with dream analysis, and ends only when sleep’s reaching hands have borrowed me from consciousness for a few quiet hours. All of that time spent thinking leads to quite the repertoire of thoughts. They’re cluttering up my head, so here they are:

I think to myself “I must not lose my reserve”

And keep the calmness and control that I so crave

But outbursts have their way of finding

Routes up to the surface, sneakily.

When I look at those around me

I wonder if they think the same, feel the same

Or if they spend their time fully engaged

In frivolities, without pondering why

Instead accepting the “just because”

I’ve never seen the benchmark,

And so I walk on confused, unknowing

Aware of what lives within, but utterly baffled

At the world in which I live.

After much thinking, sweet respite arrives

And sleep will delay my thoughts for another day.

It’s humid in Seattle today

I don't own this image! I think someone from UW took it though!

It started out bright and blue and gorgeous. The perfect temperature for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure!

It wasn’t really a race though, more of a slow, crowded walk. Fun nonetheless, with lots of freebies – everything in pink, of course.

Unfortunately, it is now gray and humidly warm outside :(.

The sunny spirit is still here, so let’s keep it light (a description of my weekend with my best friend [other best friend, not the no-longer-on-speaking-terms former bff!]) :

When the sun shines and the mountain is out

The city dons shorts and meanders about

Cruising on Alki, people watching galore,

Tide coming in closer ’til we could bear it no more.

On to Kerry Park, trying to force a car up a hill,

After grabbing dinner in Phinney at Red Mill.

That was our day, touristy as it was,

That’s how you know it’s summer – you do things just because.

disappointed > mad

I’ve been talking (writing) about the stuff that’s happened in my personal life the past few days, and today is the one week anniversary of my best friend’s…removal of himself from my life.

I’m not mad, really. I have a few urges to do something vindictive and vengeful, but they pass quickly. What’s left is disappointment.

Disappointment that my summer plans need to be remade.

Disappointment that he isn’t capable of being there for me.

Disappointment at myself for letting this happen and losing control.

And here’s my plan:

I will return every item that I’ve acquired given to me by him.

I cannot return the memories, nor the chat logs or pictures.

I cannot dissociate the cues with the representation.

I feel the need for fire to spread all remnants to the heavens

But shall not for relief dies with the smoke’s settling.

I want so dearly for all to be well.

Within, without.

But I wish for many things. I wish that my emotional calibration was more normal. I wish that I didn’t get nauseous so easily. I even wish on shooting stars. My own work to validate the wishing makes my wishes “come true”.

So this time, I wish to be whole, and wish to be happy. I wish for the past few months to never have happened. I wish that my friend still thinks of me as often as I think of him. I wish him to be unhappy. I wish I didn’t feel angry and vindictive. I wish I wouldn’t spiral.

But really, I’m not mad. Just disappointed. I shall give you your note back, torn in half, with the “love always” cut out of it, and the key alongside it. I wish you weren’t a victim, with me the reckless child, the accused.

I wish, I wish, that things had gone differently.

 

i say “heartbreak,” you say “sucks.”

Ready set go.

It’s true though, it really truly from-the-bottom-of-my-heart sucks. The empty space that’s usually been reserved to hang out with that person, talk to them, even think about them. All of that goes out the window and you’re left with a whole lot of nothing.

At the same time there’s this nagging thought: real best friends don’t leave you, they stick with you through thick and thin. What kind of best friend would just up and leave when I need them most? (Yeah, I know my pronouns aren’t matching, and that “them” isn’t singular…shhh!)

Then that leads to “did I do a bad job choosing this person to be my best friend? How could I have let them be my confidante, and know everything about me if they were capable of just leaving that by the wayside?” Over Facebook.

So, basically, I’m left with a plethora of questions, and not many answers. Oh, and a bunch of emotional issues. Just ask my counselor. For example: is it normal to feel absolutely no emotion when your psych prof gets all teary over describing the horribly debilitating symptoms that accompany Alzheimer’s? I just thought “Why bother. All the care, the time, money, and effort spent on one person is simply enormous, it can’t possibly be worth it.” Gah! What’s wrong with me?

I have the ability to check my emotions at the door in times like that. I constantly mediate the way that I respond to people depending on the context of the situation. The downside is that they never get to know the whole, real, me. Bright side? Efficiency. Least effort to get the most beneficial (for me) response.

Warm and friendly when meeting with a potential employer or academic advisor

Cheery and bright when talking to a so-so friend about past times

Slightly lilting voice and twirled hair when I need some homework help.

Glares and authoritative manner when dealing with people who can’t do anything about it.

Leads to power, hands of a puppeteer, mania.

Control breeds craziness, and then the earth shuts down.

Air becomes mirrors, reflects what’s gone wrong.

Walls guard most precious possession, which has been hurt dearly,

By something as silly as a message sent on a social networking site.

Then this hard exterior cracks for a moment,

And there is hatred there, for breaking, for weakness.

Hatred seals cracks with volatile plaster, and all is well.

ow-chihuahua! why does this happen?

For all of today I’ve felt 3 things, pretty much simultaneously.

1. Nausea. Tummy hurting, something’s-caught-somewhere-near-my-larynx nausea that makes the reappearance of breakfast seem like a likely event. But I’ve never puked, so no way no how am I going to throw up any time soon! Still bugs me though.
2. Headache. Outward pressure, specific spots of utter hell, general achey-ness…you name it, I’ve got it. That, and nausea made focusing in class just too hard today, so I didn’t even go to Psych. Probably a good thing though, since an hour of psychology would have just made my head pop. (With a loud popping noise, accompanied by some sort of gross aftermath, no doubt).
3. Cloudiness. By this, I do not mean the utterly un-fluffy clouds that seem to love to make Seattle their home. I mean the kind of cloudiness that settles down in your mind and doesn’t leave no matter how many times you tell it that it’s overstayed its welcome. My cloudiness lead to me being easily distracted, the ground and room swirling, feeling like I’m falling, being hyper, and just getting downright lost in my own thoughts while feeling like there were no thoughts at all. Quite odd.

What can I do to make these feelings go away? I certainly don’t know. What do you think, dear reader?

When the ground falls straight up and becomes walls

All I can do is wait and watch my world tumble

Reorient myself, just in time for

Me to fall forward into what seems like

Cotton candy, and nothing, all at once.

New month, new chapter

After spending a night in Vancouver (Washington) in a cozy house by the river, watching The Green Hornet while an enormous dog demanded my attention, I’d have to look back and say my Memorial Day weekend went pretty well. That car was way cool 🙂

There’s also been major shopping going on, because of all the sales, and I’ve been stocking up on dresses and bikinis and shorts. Can’t wait for some summer weather…it’s so gray and humid outside!

Let’s get to the point. When I wrote my last post, I was majorly bummed. More than that…like…heartbroken bummed. But now, everything seems okay. Everything looks brighter and happier. Maybe the last 6 months with my former bff have been an essential part of my life learning experience, but not necessarily a permanent thing in my life. It’s still too early to tell, but that’s the way things are looking. It’s kind of the feeling you get when you wear something fresh from the dryer, or sleep on new sheets, or find a pair of jeans that are soft and worn straight from the store that conform perfectly to your legs. Just that “meant to be” feeling.

I’m coasting on this feeling for now. This next week is going to be crazy busy since it’s the last week of class before finals.

Oh. A poem?

Love blooms in springtime in most fairytale stories

But this time, love of self triumphs over all.

While the sun shines, and beaches are calling,

Let us try and have fun and forget until fall.

Live life in the moment…or just listen to this! (Good Life by OneRepublic)

well, can’t say i didn’t see it coming

I haven’t posted for a while…I guess it takes something major to motivate me to write down my feelings. Well, something major happened today.

Is it bad that, for about 15 minutes this morning, I felt like my whole life was crashing down on me, like I would never be able to get up again? I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before.

Today I lost one of my best friends, and it just…utterly sucks. I know what I did wrong to mess things up, and I knew that it was inevitable, the way things were going. Knowing that doesn’t make the hurt go away, or make anything any better.

It will take a long time before I feel better, before I can even think about patching things up. At this points, who knows? Maybe…this is all a life experience that will teach me that this person is not meant to be in my life. Right now, that’s inconceivable. But really, all I can do is move forward, keep breathing, keep going through the motions of life, and try to put some emotion and thought into what I do.

Here’s a short one for ya:

With every step I take there’s a fork in my path

Sometimes 2 pronged, but often three or four

I try to step and conceive of the aftermath

And forget about the loss of mon amour.

Oh, and I watch this: “You DON’T NEED A Boyfriend To Feel Good!”

So, maybe, my BFF (well the “forever” part is debatable I suppose, but for lack of a better word) wasn’t my boyfriend. He felt like it sometimes though. We will see what happens, and whatever it is, I hope everything turns out alright.