Vicodin

Prescribed for me after I got my wisdom teeth out, it’s some powerful stuff. I’m on it right now, actually:

Vicodin

Makes your body feel like it’s chock-full of a gloriously heavy liquid, where your head is as heavy as your toes and nothing hurts. The numbness makes my bottom lip puffy and painless, numbed up to my ear. The IV in my arm still aches, leaving 2 small purple holes in its wake. I’m not tired or sleepy, but overwhelmingly full and lazy. Walking is more strenuous that sitting and letting the heaviness wash over you like a velvety wave.

It is pleasant. My brain feels slower, as smart as my belly button. The weight of these pills pull down on my eyelids insistently, though I reckon I’m not sleepy.

Lovely.

Such is life

There is so much human suffering, all around us, within us, palpable in the air.

Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you of their hardships, their troubles, and their tribulations.

My own emotional pain manifests itself as physical symptoms that pull at my every move, and every breath.

It churns the emptiness that is my stomach, and pushes my heart to beat ever faster.

Losing interest in all five senses, I have no desire for anything, and breathing becomes a reluctantly performed chore.

But…life moves forward, whether we move with it or not. It is up to us to decide whether we’d like to fight and struggle against the waves, or be swept up and carried far away, until getting back is nearly impossible.

Ask someone about their life. It could surprise you. It will make you feel unbelievably human, selfish, fallible, all at the same time.

Homophones and Coraline, I can’t stop shaking.

Sitting on a leather couch, legs stuck to leather from post-exercise sweat. Laptop sitting on my lap, and my right leg won’t stop shaking.

Coraline is odd. Stop-motion reminds me of Fantastic Mr. Fox. Jerky, oddly magical, stressing just how much work it took to make this picture come alive. What are those, button eyes? Creepy, they are.

Right. To the point. I’m trying to find solace. I’m not looking for love, or for a relationship. I’m looking for comfort. Simply the knowledge that there is always someone for you to go to and talk to about anything, to get feedback on your choices and challenges on your worldview. A warm, inviting hug when you think you’ve failed a final, and a cotton-clad shoulder for your tears to fall upon. No admonishing when you get makeup smudges all over their sleeve after it’s been used to calm your short-term distress.

As of yet I have no solace. I can’t even get into a car and drive, walk to the park or scream my heart out. Without any outlet I find that I relate more to…the homophone.

Soulless. Every time my fists ball up and my body tenses up. Every time it’s dulled by the headrush of toxins making their way through my bloodstream to their respective sites in my brain.

I feel soulless. Denied by almost everyone, known wholly by no one. What makes it worse is that I have known what it feels like to find solace and comfort in a single other person. To have that taken away is heartbreaking. To seek it again is a quest of reservation. No pity party here. Life goes on, and we deal.

When I get older, I will be stronger…

It’s been a while. In a lot of ways. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like a friend was really there for me, been a while since I drank too much because I was upset, and a while since I’ve written a new post.

What have I learned, in all this time?

Finding a new therapist sucks. It feels so clinical, so impersonal…getting shuffled up with everyone else and letting fate decide who you’ll end up with.

You can’t treat friends like business transactions. Not forever, at least. The cost/benefit tables are still there, but there’s a new layer of guilt and realization that you’re dealing with another person, just like you. It’s a balancing game, utilizing so much mental capacity, keeping people close but not too close, choosing words carefully. Yet, at the same time, it’s overwhelmingly simple; hearts connect, they grow apart. Act on what you feel, remind yourself that at the end of the day, it will be alright.

Finally, you never know who you’ll end up getting along with. It is so much more worth it to be friendly and talk to everybody and give them a smile and see who smiles back than to never look up at all.

I should do this more often. “Three facts I learned today”. Alright, that’s my new resolution. Good night, everybody out there.

Degeneration of a mind

it’s midnight, here in my living room and it’s happening as i type and as i think and things go so fast.

it’s happening again . here’s a rant because I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE OR SOMETHING>

have you ever felt like ive ran through your veins? that every notion of being okay shatters like window-glass, the same window which you fleetingly thought of jumping out of? To land or to fly, so see and feel and feel cool air and breeze. The desire to light and burn things in flames. The thought that you are not okay and that something is WRONG. Because it is. You’ve seen my text. AFter that I wrote a to do list to tell and talk about in counseling. every line, every letter was a degeneration of my own mind and spirit, every letter spiraled and got bigger and more incomprehensible much like the thoughts that sprawl through my head in such an aimless manner. From lethargy and heaviness come this insatiable quickness of mind and anger which fuels my typing. There is speed, and agility, quickness from passion. What do I want? To stop my headache, to find a cure. To find something which will let me sleep for a while, and yet not go through life empty and looking and seeing nothing. Everything is so contrary. I don’t know how to get the things I want because I want opposites and I want to know, and to feel and yet to be in the dark where there could be lightness….nothing makes any sense, nothing makes any sense at all. My father is like a stranger to me, he seems to see nothing as well. Perhaps he knows nothing. That I have been my own person for quite some years is no secret. How does he expect me to abide by his every ruling and ridiculous rules when they have no logical sense in my mind. He believes h rules over my oen intellectual kingdom and I dare to say that he knows not what I think, and contemplates not what I feel. It is a one way mirror, it is, and I am left suffering. My thoughts do go haywire, my thinking deteriorates into forms which I can manage, the form of an academic essay. I want, i want, so badly, to make this slow, to slow down the thoughts and the words for they appear to me they appear in my mind and my fingers shall translate them to bits and bytes and let them scurry on over the wireless air to message servers worldwide. let the airwaves carry this message to you, a message about frustration and yearning for understanding and a fierce desire to make everything okay because it is not because it is wrong and someone must hear about it quickly and urgently. he talks to me now and retires to his slumbering, I wish he noticed me not. His care reminds me of he-who-must-not-be-named’s so well meant but wrongly delivered and abrasively interpreted. Is it I who has wronged? Or is it them, they who seek to understand and yet fail miserably for I am an impenetrable wall that yields not to the typical measures. What is wrong with me, and though it’s not a question you can answer I thought you ought to know that my mind doesn’t feel right doesn’t feel safe, and I don’t quite know what I shall do tonight to fix it. Nursery rhymes, battle hymn of the republic, the French Revolution, runs through it simultaneous with heartwrenching dramas from memory and emotional scarring from days of yore as well as recent encounters. I cannot fully elucidate the way I feel but it shall be conveyed in the means I best know how….I ramble on and on because the moment I stop I will have to go back into my life which is real and live back among the people, away from shadows and internet-logic. There isn’t peace for me anywhere at the moment. After a night’s slumber peace may await. I will have to journey into what is real to find what is right and what is good. What is good i can’t tell you, for I don’t know myself, in both senses of the phrase. I hope I can find a way to fix this soon….things aren’t sitting well not at all.

 

that’s the end of my post and i sincerely hope that in the morning there is tranquility where my mind resides. Do i wish for help? No. do I need it? Most certainly. But from who, and in what form?  Ah, there is the mystery.

See?

For a few weeks I thought “Oh, I feel better now, I don’t need to blog anymore” but that spiel’s over. Those sudden mood swings have changed into feelings that settle over my gently, from the time I wake up until the next time I fall asleep. There’s the sense of well-being, sense of foreboding, sense of uneasiness.

This is something I came up with on a Metro bus:

Broad swaths of memory gone forever

Entire days with no recollection

Mental blanks in negative space.

I see myself in the Plexi partition

Outer corners of eyes slope down

Similar to naturally downturned lips

Meeting at the center, philtrum splitting

Into two soft peaks.

Frightening image – eyes blank.

I do believe that

I may belong to a sea of blind children.

What I’m trying to say is that my mental memory hard drive seems to have some glitches. Entire instances entire scenarios, gone. Perhaps due to no emotional attachment? That’s what my counselor says.

Rainbow flags and creme brulee

I haven’t posted in a while…but nothing that spectacular has happened. Things are getting better in a very slow, nonchalant sort of way.

There’s one thing that I’m still working on though. I’m trying to get over cravings. Cravings for things that I shouldn’t want, shouldn’t need, and shouldn’t be constantly thinking of. There’s always the thought at the back of my head that things aren’t good enough and fun enough while sober, that I can’t get over my walls and that I’ll start tripping over my own personality.

This weekend though, I’ve been completely sober, and have had fun while at it. I spent all 3 days with my bestie, and here’s what went down:

Friday – tried to go to a frat party, but when we got there, it was a total bust. It was still kind of fun to walk around Greek Row in a mini and heels though. Oh, and the midnight chocolate milkshakes.

Saturday – Kung Fu Panda 2. Baby Po is precious!

Sunday – the PRIDE PARADE! We were decked out with rainbow flags in our hair, rainbow beads, and butterfly temp tattoos, and had a great time walking with the Group Health team handing out sunscreen and lip balm to the people lining the streets all the way from downtown to the Space Needle. Oh, and then a couple of my friends and I made creme brulee! With torched sugar and everything. And we didn’t even light the oven mitt on fire. Success!!

All right, I feel like I’m rambling. My head hasn’t been clear since lunch. G’night, and happy pride weekend!